If you want sound advice when it comes to dieting, I think you know who to turn to: Celebrities. They are skinnier that you, they are more famous than you and (with the help of the little photoshopping) they have a much healthier glow. So what are the latest celebrity diet fads? Take you pick among the following, or pick from one of my alternative strategies.
The Baby Food Diet: Yes, people actually buy those little jars of baby food and eat them as an adult meal.
The Alternative: Try the Baby Behavior Diet. Prepare a large, well balanced meal. Spit some of it out. Throw the rest on the floor. Have a fit. Do whatever it takes to convince someone to turn on the goddamn TV.
The Cookie Diet: Just eat “four to seven protein-based cookies a day, which amounts to about 500 to 600 calories, with a meal of lean protein and vegetables adding another 300 calories.”
The Alternative: Try the Cookie Monster Diet. Eat whatever you want including salt and pepper shakers, napkins, cookies, cakes, typewriters, etc. Never gain weight. Never age.
The Apple Cider Vinegar Diet: Though there is plenty of scientific data to the contrary, some people believe that vinegar cuts through fat and suppresses your appetite. So take a shot before each meal.
The Alternative: Try the Bobbing for Apples Diet. It’s a great aerobic workout and most people collapse in exhaustion after about half an apple.
The Lunchbox Diet: You eat your normal breakfast and dinner, but instead of lunch, you graze all afternoon from a “standard-size lunch box filled with 60 percent vegetables, 30 percent protein, and 10 percent fat (low-fat dressing, cheese, or peanut butter).”
The Alernative: Just eat the friggin lunchbox. It’s the quickest way to abs of steel (or at least aluminum).
The Raw Food Diet: Lots of nuts, fruits and veggies, none of which can be heated above 116 degrees.
The Alternative: The more extreme “raw food in death valley where it’s 120 degrees in the shade diet.” (Also known as the Yom Kippur diet.)
The Air Diet: Yes, scientists have found that if manufacturers simply pumped more air into their foods, we’d all lose weight.
The Alternative: The Hot Air Diet. Just enthusiastically expound on the benefits of any of the above. You’ll burn calories and no one will ever take you out to lunch again.
